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| Grief and Its Impact on a Marriage |
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The loss of a baby or babies can and does have an impact on a marriage as
each parent attempts to regain their equilibrium and balance after such a
devastating loss. The loss of our child(ren) changes us forever. We lose
our innocence and the future is forever changed. Add to this the fact that
men and women grieve differently, and the impact on a couple's
relationship is not always a positive one.
Generally speaking, women tend to be more open about what they are feeling
than men. Women may have one or two girlfriends, a sister or mother with
whom they "open up," express what is on their minds and how they
are feeling. Men, on the other hand, don't usually have close
relationships with other men which would include speaking about their
emotions or the sharing of feelings and thoughts. Traditionally men have
been inundated with messages such as "suck it up", "crying
is for wimps" and "act like a man". In such an atmosphere,
with no safe place to express their emotions, men have not been dealt a
fair blow when it comes to expressing those inner emotions.
It is important to note, however, that things are changing. Thankfully
there is more dialogue regarding men's feelings, not only by the men
themselves but also by society as a whole. Parenting magazines are
offering support articles for men on how to help a partner with
breastfeeding, through the pregnancy, dealing with loss of a baby or
babies and more. Internet Sites have sprung up providing ample opportunity
for men to write about their feelings, express their pain, joy, feelings
of insecurity and fears about parenting. Support groups for men and dads
are more readily available in many communities. Book stores now carry
books for fathers regarding parenting, relationships and grief. Oprah
Winfrey has done a couple of shows regarding men and their inner feelings
and fears. All of this is important and hopefully, over time, will help
bridge the gap between men and women!
It is acknowledged that not all mothers and fathers experience
difficulties in connecting while grieving. Some couples are brought closer
together, communicate regularly and feel much closer in their time of
greatest need. What I would like to explore in this article, however, is
the possible negative impact of the loss of one or more of babies on a
couple's marriage. Further, understanding that men and women grieve
differently and what some of those differences can be is helpful. We also
need to understand a little bit about Grief itself:
 | Grief is a journey, not a destination; |
| Grief has no timeline; |
| Grief is personal. There is no right or wrong way to grieve; |
| Just when you think that you are feeling OK and doing well, Grief
will "rear its head" and you may feel overwhelmed all over
again. This is normal; |
| Some of the triggers for Grief could be a sentimental song, a
beautiful sunset, a singing bird, a garden of flowers blowing in the
wind, watching another child play and laugh, or for no apparent reason
at all; |
| Grief can leave individuals with a sense of isolation, loneliness,
anger, powerlessness, guilt and/or fear. All of these emotions are
normal; |
| Grief has been described as an "open wound" which heals
over time, but which also leaves a scar. |
When we look at Grief from some of these perspectives, it stands to reason
that mother and father will not always be on the same time line as each
other and or be grieving in the same manner. Initially a couple may cling
together and share their pain with tears, embraces and conversation. It
isn't unusual for the father to be the one in charge of making funeral
arrangements, talking to the undertaker, hospital staff, choosing a
casket, working through the finances and paperwork. He may also have to
deal with other children at home, handle his job and the ramifications of
his absence, worry about his wife and answer questions from family and
friends. One father indicated after the loss of one of their babies, that
he was sick and tired of friends calling and asking him how his wife was
doing! "What about me? I lost a baby too!" They had skipped
right over him and minimized his pain and grief. Juggling all of this and
trying to find time to grieve the loss of his baby or babies is a
monumental task for a Dad to face.
Mother probably has family and friends whom she can talk to about her baby
or babies. She may need to focus on physically getting better in the case
of having had a c-section, and may also need to take care of a surviving
co-multiple(s).
After the funeral, it may be harder and harder for Mother and Father to
"get together" on an emotional level, to speak about what they
are feeling: of their fears for the future or the fears each has for the
survivors of their multiple birth - "If I get attached to this baby,
will she die too?". One may "blame" the other for the loss,
even inadvertently. It may become necessary to seek some bereavement
counseling from: a cleric, grief counselor, social worker or psychologist
who specializes in grief issues. Your family doctor can assist you in this
regard or refer you to an appropriate support individual.
If, as a couple, you already have a child or children, this may add
another difficult component to your grieving journey, or not, as each
individual family will decide. Sometimes the need to continue to be
available for your other children can be a boon. Having to remain mobile,
available and responsive, for one or both parents, can sometimes be
helpful in spite of mourning for a lost child or children.
Sometimes one or both parents may find the opposite and find it difficult
to continue to be an attentive and available parent. One or both may
experience feelings of being overwhelmed, pressured, resentful or of
wishing to simply withdraw. All of this is normal and doesn't mean you are
a bad parent. Try your best to keep the lines of communication open with
your children. Let them know you are feeling very sad at the moment, need
some quiet time, or are thinking of their dead brother or sister. Let the
child know that they didn't cause your sadness but you are sad,
nevertheless. It will be helpful for him (or them) to know that feeling
sad is a part of grieving and your reactions and feelings were not caused
by them. By being honest with your child or children about what you are
feeling, you will be helping them and yourself, even if it doesn't feel
like it at the time.
It may be helpful to try to keep in tune with whatever your partner may be
feeling and to try and distract your other child or children for a time,
in order to give your partner some space to him/herself. A role reversal
may occur at another time for the other spouse.
Here are some suggestions to aid a marriage in time of grief. You and your
spouse may add some others that will work for you.
- Don't expect your spouse to be a tower of strength when he or she is
also experiencing grief.
- It is very important to keep the lines of communication open.
- Be sensitive to your spouse's personality style. In general, he or
she will approach grief with the same personality habits as they
approach life. This may be in a private manner or open and sharing, or
some place in between.
- Talk about your loved one(s) with your spouse. If necessary, set up
a daily time period when you both know that it is time to talk about
your loved one(s).
- Seek professional help of a counselor if depression, grief or
problems in your marriage are getting out of hand.
- Deal with things as they occur. Do not overlook or ignore
anger-causing situation. It is like adding fuel to a fire. Eventually
there will be an explosion.
- Remember that you loved each other enough to marry. Try to keep your
marriage alive: go out for dinner or an ice cream cone; take a walk;
go on a vacation.
- Be gentle with yourself and with your mate too.
- Join a support group for bereaved persons. Attend as a couple, come
by yourself or with a friend. Do not pressure your spouse to attend
with you if it is not his or her preference.
- Join a mutually agreeable community betterment project.
- Do not blame yourself or your mate for what you were powerless to
prevent. If you feel personally responsible or blame your spouse for
your loss, seek immediate counseling for yourself and your marriage.
- Remember that there can be a loss of sexual desire or hypersexuality
during the grieving process. You can discuss this with your mate.
- Be aware of unrealistic expectations for yourself or your mate. Try
to remember that your spouse is doing the best that he/she can.
- Marital friction is a normal part of any marriage. Don't blow it out
of proportion at this painful time.
- Try not to let everyday irritants become major issues. Talk about
them and try to be patient.
- Be sensitive to the needs and wishes of your spouse as well as
yourself. Sometimes it is important to compromise.
- Work on your own grief instead of wishing that your spouse would
handle his/her grief differently. You will find that you have enough
just handling your own grief. Remember, when you help yourself cope
with grief, it indirectly helps your spouse.
- As one grieving mother stated: "Value your marriage. You have
lost enough!"
- Hold on to Hope. With time, work and support you will survive. Life
will never be the same, but you can learn again to appreciate it and
the people in your life.
- Allow yourself and your partner to feel whatever it is you are
feeling without judging yourself or each other.
Bibliography
Grief and its Impact on a Marriage, Fact Sheet by Bereaved Families of
Ontario - Ottawa.
Men & Grief, by Carol Staudacher, 1991, New Harbinger
Publications, Inc.
Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas, by Alan D.
Wolfelt, Ph.D., 2001, Companion Press
Other reading resources:
When a Baby Dies: A Handbook for Healing and Helping, by Rana K.
Limbo and Sara Rich Wheeler, 1993, RTS Bereavement Services
The Worst Loss: How Families Heal from the Death of a Child, by
Barbara D. Rosof, 1995, Henry Holt and Co.
Trying Again: A Guide to Pregnancy After Miscarriage, Stillbirth and
Infant Loss, by Ann Douglas and John R. Sussman, M.D., 2000, Taylor
Publishing Co.
Trying
Again After Loss, by Ann Douglas and Lynda P. Haddon -
| Ways
to Support a Grieving Parent
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PLEASE . . .
| Know that I need your support. I may not ask for help (I may
be much too numb), but I need to know you're there. |
| Know that I do not expect you to make me feel better or to
take away my pain. Right now no one can. I need your support,
your acceptance of my need to grieve, and your willingness to
live with the helplessness you'll feel. |
| If you haven't called because you cannot handle my grief and
your helplessness, say so. I can truly understand that and
I'll feel better than I would if you used excuses that made me
think you didn't care. |
| Try to tolerate my anger if you can. It's not really you or
others who anger me; it's that I lost what I loved. Please
forgive my "unreasonable" outbursts. I hope you'll
understand. |
| Don't try to stop my tears. My tears may be hard on you, but
they are a healthy way for me to release some of my pain.
Crying is good for me; please try to sit with me and let me
cry. |
| Don't try to cheer me up by comparing "worse"
losses. Pain is pain, and mine must be acknowledged. |
| Understand if I can't bear to be with your new baby or to
attend a baby shower. I do wish you joy and I even feel
gladness for you, but my grief cannot be suppressed. |
| Don't tell me that what happened must have been "God's
will." Hearing that brings me no consolation right now
and only adds to the spiritual confusion and isolation I feel. |
| Don't remind me how lucky I am to have other children or
that I can try soon to have another. There is not, nor will
there be, a replacement for this child
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PLEASE . . .
| Don't say, "It was better this way." |
| Don't say, "I know how you feel." No one knows
that. Please ask instead how I am today, how I feel. |
| Offer specific help . . . a meal, a laundry done, a free
hour. I'm too deeply hurt to think very far ahead. |
| Don't tell me to put this behind me, forget and get on with
my life. This is my life. I need to grieve. I need to be me
and I need not to forget but to find a way to remember in
peace. |
| Hold me, touch me, tell me that you care, bear with me
through this uncharted territory that is my grief. |
| Accept me in my grief and I'll always remember the healing
love that you offered me. |
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